I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
