You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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