it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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