im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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