you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize