she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just had sex on a roof
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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