Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
