I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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