I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
