I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
