one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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