I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
