This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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