I wish you could order shots online.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
