She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
