Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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