do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
