I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
did i just pee glitter
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
