Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
