I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
