Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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