i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
