we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
