I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
