so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
