My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
