States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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