Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
