Pregnant stripper...not hot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
