my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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