when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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