Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize