I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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