I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
