I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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