Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
whose parrot is this?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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