dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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