you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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