Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Umm I'm too high to move.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
