He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
