I wish my penis had an off switch
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
