Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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