Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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