um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize