here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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