Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
