i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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