My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
