During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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