I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
