I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
