By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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