There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
