you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i believe in u and ur pee
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
