I swear god or herbie drove my car home
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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