Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Enjoy the penises
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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