Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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