Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
