I wish I only lived at night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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