You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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