This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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