quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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