Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
