I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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