glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize