All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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