Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
