what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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