wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
