My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
